Sheppard the Destroyer
by LiseDevi
Summary: The results of a bored John Sheppard on a long day.


**Pairing: slight Sparky(Sheppard & Weir) but nothing blatantly obvious.  
**

**Disclaimer: Not mine, just borrowing... yada yada...**

**A/N: This is my first SGA fic. This fic is dedicated to my brother Robert who dared me to write a fic using a list of quotes/sayings that he has... hope it works. **

**Beta-ed by my awesome friend Kelly.**

**Sheppard the Destroyer**

There was absolutely no doubt in any of the known universes that John Sheppard was bored. The day was as normal as any day could be on the lost city of Atlantis. Actually he takes that back, the day was anything but normal; no off world emergencies or city crises to deal with, just… paperwork.. Mountains of paperwork to be exact.

He tried to file it all under miscellaneous but the folder wasn't big enough. Sheppard sighs and leans back in his chair, placing his booted feet on the desk near the rarely used laptop. He throws a bouncy ball around for a bit before standing abruptly and leaving his lonely, eerily silent office.

Sheppard travels the short distance to the control room, on his way to harass Elizabeth. He bumps into Teyla, knocking her off balance. "Sorry." He mutters as he tries to steady himself and Teyla using Ronon as an anchor. "Are you alright?"

"I am fine thank you Colonel." Teyla answers. Ronon looks on amused. "Are you doing anything of importance?" she queries.

Sheppard looks to Elizabeth's office, seeing that she's completely engrossed in her work he shakes his head, "Nope…" Teyla and Ronon look at him expectantly.

"Paperwork." He supplies sheepishly.

Ronon nods his head as Teyla says "Ah." With understanding.

"Wanna spar?" Ronon asks.

"What Ronon means to say is that we wish to teach you those new techniques. Do you have the free time?"

Sheppard grimaces before answering, "Yeah okay. It's not like I have anything better to do." Teyla arches an eyebrow and turns to lead the way to the gym, Ronon and Sheppard trailing behind her.

"Oof!" Sheppard grunts as he lands flat on his back. The mat doing little to cushion his fall. Ronon leans into Sheppard's fuzzy line of vision, his long arm being thrust out to help Sheppard up. "Yeah, thanks for that Chewie." he says as Ronon hauls him to his feet.

"Are you well enough to continue?" Teyla asks concerned. John nods his head and moves back into position. "Okay, Ronon, John, try that from the beginning." The two men nod and commence the manoeuvre.

They break into a flurry of movement, arms, legs and sticks a blur as Teyla looks on, thoroughly pleased with their skills. Ronon and John move around the mats for several minutes, repeating the techniques Teyla had demonstrated. Their sticks collide one final time with a resounding clack as they come to a halt, panting.

"That was extremely well done. You have accomplished much in this training session. Why don't you two spar for a short time before packing up."

"I'd love to." Ronon answers Teyla, readying for another round.

"Shall we dance?" John quips as he twirls the sticks.

They nod to each other and begin to spar. Striking, blocking, countering. Ronon gains momentum and John struggles to keep up with the pace being set. Teyla looks on with pride at the way John is fairing against Ronon although she knows the bigger man will put an end to it when he is ready. Teyla watches on silently for a little while longer before turning to pack up. Just as she is placing her sticks in her pack there is a hiss of pain and two loud thuds.

John lies on the ground groaning, not sure whether to cradle his left hand or hold his head. He can hear Ronon moving near him and Teyla's concerned questioning, "Are you alright?"

"Fine." Ronon replies gruffly.

"Just peachy." John answers sitting up.

"I should call Dr Beckett immediately."

"No. we can make it to the infirmary Teyla. Just give me a second." John puts his right hand to his fore head and pulls his fingers away at the pain; he rubs his fingers together feeling the sticky blood.

Just perfect. It seems that it's one of those days that he should have a sign hanging around his neck saying: 'Bad day in progress, approach at your own risk.'

"And ye promise to take it easy?" Carson asks again as John stands.

"I promise Doc. No sparring, no jogging and no sleeping for the next six hours. I got it." Carson gives him a knowing look, "I promise Doc. Seriously, I'm just gonna go check in on Elizabeth and then go take it easy."

"Alright then lad, but ye call me the moment you're in any more pain." Carson concedes.

John resists the 'yeah right' and scurries out of the infirmary, heading for the transporter. He emerges from the transporter into the control room and smoothely strolls across to Elizabeth's office. He leans against the door frame, arms folded across his chest.

"What can I do for you Colonel?" Elizabeth asks without looking up.

"For starters you can tell me how you do that."

She shakes her head and looks up, brow furrowing, "And what trouble did you manage to find?"

He shrugs and walks into the office, lazily sitting in one of the chairs, "I should take offence to that… you should see the other guy." Elizabeth gives him the look, "Ronon and I were sparring after Teyla showed us a few new moves and we both kinda tripped over one another."

"How badly is Ronon hurt?"

"He broke his left leg. The Doc says he'll be up and running again in less than a month."

"And you?" she arches an eyebrow.

"I take it you wouldn't believe that I'm perfectly fine?"

"No. I'm certainly no fool John and I can tell you will have at least some time off with that bandaged hand and splinted fingers. Not mention the stitches above your brow."

He sighs and places his feet on Elizabeth's desk, she glares at him, "Doc says at least two weeks for the broken fingers until he'll even consider putting me back on active duty, but I can still manage. I've had worse; Carson's just being a mother hen."

"That he may be, but he's a mother hen you have to listen to." She looks John sternly in the eye and then turns back to the screen in front of her.

"Did you want to take a break and get a bite to eat or coffee?" he asks.

"Thanks for the invite but I have all of this to get done before the Deadalus gets in tomorrow and Caldwell gives me an even bigger headache."

"Oh okay, maybe later then." He says, not budging from his seat. He fidgets for a little bit trying to get comfortable. His face lights up as he pulls the bouncy ball out of his pocket. John proceeds to bounce the ball up and down with his good hand.

Thud, it hits the floor. Slap, it hits John's hand. Thud. Slap. Thud. Slap. Thud.

"John!"

Crash!

John freezes in his spot, not daring to move as Elizabeth's nostrils flared and he could swear her eyes flashed red although he could be imagining things. "I'm sorry." He chokes out.

John hones in on Elizabeth reaching for his bouncy ball and he scrambles for it. Inadvertently starting a tug of war with the seasoned negotiator.

"John." She warns. He relinquishes his hold on the ball and steps back. "You won't get this back until I have your outstanding mission reports and personnel reviews on my desk."

He resists the urge to whine like a three year old and decides to take a more dignified approach. John Sheppard, Lt. Colonel in the United States Air Force and military commander of the Lost City of Atlantis, pulls out an identical bouncy ball, smirks and leaves an irritated Elizabeth Weir standing in the middle of her office.

John swaggers to the transporter and waves his hand over the console, torn between heading to the rec room and harassing the easy to wind up Rodney McKay. The smirk on John's face grows as he selects Rodney's lab. The transporter door slides open and Sheppard with a bounce in his step walks towards the astrophysicist's lab, loud bickering suffocating the hallway. John would rub his hands in glee but he's not a complete idiot, but two geniuses in one room is more than enough fun for an afternoon.

John steps closer to the door of the lab, the doors swishing open for him. Rodney's voice roughly slices through the air, "I can only please one person each day. Today is not your day… tomorrow doesn't look good either."

"It is never my day." Radek Zelenka mumbles as he pores over calculations.

John speaks up, "Y'know Zelenka, the more crap you put up with, the more crap you're going to get."

"The crap I can deal with, he just needs to be nicer." the Czech scientist replies.

"I'll try being nicer if you try being smarter." Rodney retorts.

"Boys, boys… why can't you two ever play nice?"

Radek mumbles something that only Rodney hears, he glares at the scientist and turns to Sheppard, "Look Colonel, I'm busy now, can I ignore you some other time?"

"No you may not. And besides, I promise I'll be good." John pulls his most innocent look.

"Right… I'll believe that when pigs fly."

"That's a bit too cliché for you Rodney."

"I can see your point but I still think you're full of crap."

"Rodney, I'm touched that you care so much. Anyway, Radek wants me to activate a thingy or two."

"I think whatever did that to your head has done some permanent damage."

"Sticks and stones." John says chirpily as he meanders over to Radek who is now prepping some equipment.

John activates the two 'relics' as he's decided to dub them but has gotten no more response than Rodney did when he tried. He's now been left to sit in a corner of the lab while both Radek and Rodney mess around with this and that calculation to see if they can actually get the two identical devices to work.

Twenty minutes pass by and Sheppard is happy to admit that he's been on his best behaviour, the urge to run his hands, correction, hand over anything and everything within his reach finally wins out over common sense.

"Do you mind, that piece of equipment is very fragile and very very expensive." Rodney chastises, his back turned to the bored Colonel.

"How in the world do you do that?"

"I have a third sense when it comes to my equipment."

"That sounds so wrong." John pulls a disgusted face at Zelenka.

"I agree." Zelenka pipes up.

"Will you just go away and annoy someone else." Rodney snaps.

"Fine, I'll go Rodney, there's no need to be rude about it though." John replies.

"I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to him." Rodney wildly points at Radek over John's shoulder. Now pointing to John, "You can sit right here and not touch a thing."

"I need to be here McKay." Radek defends.

"Well crawl back into your hole and leave me be."

"That's a bit mean." John pipes in. Rodney silences him with a look; usually John would continue with the banter but complies just this once.

"That's better." Rodney sighs and returns to tinkering with whatever, John doesn't really care anyway.

He sits still for five minutes before it becomes too much for him. He starts fiddling with the splints on his fingers; and then with the bandage on his hand; and finally the adjustments on the stool he's occupying.

"My god you're a ferret on crack!"

"Who's a ferret on crack?" Elizabeth's voice floats through the lab, Rodney straightening.

"Apparently I am." John supplies proudly. "Rodney's not playing nice today."

She gives him a 'what's new' look and turns to Rodney, "About playing nice…"

"Hm… what?" the genius asks.

"Your personnel reviews."

"What about them?"

"You're kidding right?" Elizabeth asks, shocked that he doesn't know what he's done wrong.

"I handed them in didn't I?"

She places the files in her hands on the bench next to Rodney, "Yes you did hand them in but it's the content."

"Like what?" both John and Rodney ask, one curious, the other annoyed.

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

"Nice Rodney." John puts his good hand up for a high five but Elizabeth arches an eyebrow.

"This scientist is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

Radek mumbles something from his corner of the lab.

"When she opens her mouth it seems it is only to change whatever foot was previously there."

"What's wrong with those comments?" Rodney asks indignantly.

"Couldn't you at least try to be a little more constructive when criticizing the members of your department?"

Rodney appears to mull it over for a while, "I could, but that would take up my valuable time."

"Any more time than already taken coming up with this." She taps the pile in front of her.

John makes a noise similar to 'I told you so' but in less words.

"And when can I expect your personnel reviews Colonel?"

"I have the answer in my head. I just haven't found it yet." John says smugly.

"Not funny Sheppard." McKay grouses.

"I have to agree with Rodney John. Anyway, a rewrite on personnel reviews Rodney and what is it that you wanted to show me?"

"Hm? Oh, right. These devices have Ancient script on them but I can't translate it."

"Interesting…" John stops listening as Elizabeth steps closer to Rodney and the 'relics', already knowing that whatever it is it's just going to be boring.

He thrusts his good hand into his trouser pocket, the smirk from earlier returning to his face as his fingers curl around the bouncy ball. John glances around the lab, Elizabeth completely engrossed in the translation; and Rodney staring at some screen, his back turned to John; Radek completely oblivious to everyone else in the room.

John continues to twirl the ball in his hand for a few minutes, waiting to see if anyone would notice. Rodney and Radek are again bickering over some calculations and Elizabeth is intently working on the devices. John's smirk turns predatory as he starts bouncing the ball, the other three oblivious to his actions.

He starts getting more daring with his shots, aiming the ball at odd angles, using his math abilities to his advantage. Not once failing. The bickering scientists get louder and Elizabeth begins to get distracted, making the execution of John's daring 'stunts' more of a challenge. A thrill. He sets up his most daring shot yet, one that he knows could be troublesome if he makes even a minute mistake. As much of a risk as it is, he knows it is totally worth it and lets go of the rubber ball; watching as it bounces off the corner of the room, whizzes by the oblivious scientists, bounces off equipment near Elizabeth, onto some equipment opposite and back to John's hand. He lets out a small sound of triumph that goes unnoticed.

John decides to be a little bit more daring and add a few more targets. He takes the time to set the shot up and flicks his wrist, almost yelling 'no!' as he puts too much spin into the flick. Unfortunately for John the ball reverberates off the wall and bounces right in front of Elizabeth. She looks up immediately to find John smiling pathetically as he snatches the ball out of the air. Her eyes narrow as she stalks towards him.

The closer Elizabeth gets the harder John's heart pounds. He knows he's in big trouble. She stops right in front of him, centimeters between them. He can smell her shampoo, perfume and the light scent of coffee that he always relates to her. She has the previously confiscated ball in one hand and holds the other out for John to place the identical toy.

He pleadingly looks into her eyes. Elizabeth refuses to back down and she moves her hand for emphasis, "Drop that ball now John." She warns quietly.

At the very last moment Elizabeth catches the mischievous glint in John's eyes as he carelessly tosses the ball over her shoulder and bolts. Everything seems to move in slow motion as her eyes follow every movement of the ball which happens to strike every piece of equipment in the lab. Beeping and breaking sounds filling the room as the scientists bickering ceases. Rodney looks like he's about to snap as Radek wobbles as if he's about to faint.

Elizabeth squeezes her eyes shut as Rodney emits a rather feminine squeal and turns to her, the other ball still lying in her hand, John's new bouncy ball now rolling towards her feet. Rodney turns red and all Elizabeth can do is silently curse John Sheppard.

On the other side of the lab door John listens to the sound of carnage emanating from within. He walks away from the lab doors towards the transporter gleefully exclaiming, "Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done."

A newly transferred marine passes John in the hallway, giving him an odd look. His face the complete picture of confusion as he nears the lab doors, the chief scientist clearly berating the city's leader for some sort of bouncy ball accident?! The marine shakes his head and continues on his rounds muttering, "Man these people are weird."

Elizabeth opens the balcony doors to escape the pressures of her job, her ears still ringing from Rodney's conniption. He refused to believe that the absent Sheppard was responsible for the accident when she clearly had an identical bouncy ball in her hand and Sheppard was clearly injured. She walks towards the railing and inhales deeply, attempting to rid herself of the excess stress. She imagines pummeling her irresponsible Colonel for his stunt when she feels his presence behind her.

"I'm sorry for earlier." John quietly says as he leans against the railing next to her.

"And you should be too." She doesn't look at him but begins to laugh.

John gives her an odd look and then laughs along with her. Their laughter dies down after a little while. "Do you forgive me then?" he asks warily.

"Why?" she looks at him.

"It somehow feels wrong for you to be mad with me." He says, his brow scrunching up adorably.

"I'll think about forgiving you, but in the mean time you better watch your back." She threatens playfully.

John looks at her, "Is this an I don't get even, I get odder thing?"

John's words don't make much sense but she understands him anyways, "Something like that."

"I should be worried shouldn't I?"

"Maybe, maybe not."

"Are you actually going to get revenge on me?" he asks, actually afraid at the prospect of what she might do to him.

"Where's the fun in answering that?"

"I think I might just leave now, let you be by yourself for a little while." John turns and walks away.

"John?" she calls.

"Yeah." He answers as he turns around.

"I meant to ask how you were feeling earlier. Carson said you took quite the knock to the head and that you seriously hurt your hand."

He smiles at her, "I'm fine. A little training accident won't stop me."

Elizabeth smiles back, John takes comfort in it, missing the predatory glint, "Glad to hear it John."

He nods to her and leaves the balcony, a bounce back in his step as he thinks that he's walking away from this scott free. Elizabeth turns back to the ocean and silently plots her revenge.

Approximately three hours later the same new marine is making his way back to his quarters at the end of his shift when he spies Dr Weir entering Colonel Sheppard's quarters with a duffel bag and a bucket. He steps back into the shadows and waits a little while. Thankfully he doesn't have to wait long as Dr Weir emerges from Colonel Sheppard's quarters with the empty duffel; she laughs quietly and walks away. The marine shakes his head and continues to his quarters, these people are definitely weird.

**Fin.**

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